Stay in your lane

I was roller skating on my local rail trail recently and coming up to an intersection, so I was slaloming slightly (barely more than C-cuts) to slow down.

Someone on a bike came up behind me and said, "On your left!" Alerting people that you're passing is customary and courteous, though I don't know if there are signs suggesting we do that on this trail, like there are on the trails where I skate in Florida. There are also no alligators or exotic birds on my local trail.

I was startled and swerved back towards the far right. "Thank you," I answered with a little wave.

As the guy passed, he tossed over his shoulder, "Stay in your lane!"

My initial reaction was WTF, dude!? You @$$4073!

However, I said nothing.

First of all, are there lanes on the trail? No. The picture above is the actual trail, and that person on the bike is the actual guy. Is he in a lane? No, he's right in the middle of the trail. (Hypocrite!)

Furthermore, a group of walkers was approaching from the other side of the intersection, taking up their entire right side, so I was definitely already mindful of staying to my right.

I was annoyed. I thought about snappy answers to his stupid comment for most of the rest of my skate. I imagined a snarky post I could put in this rail trail's Facebook group and took photos of reasons someone on little wheels might skate out of their “lane” for illustrative purposes,* but couldn’t draft anything in my mind that didn’t seem passive-aggressive.

I have thought about it on and off for the past week because the truth is, I am often stunned into silence when I’m on the receiving end of a cutting remark, unable to respond, like a deer in the headlights. (Yes, I know this is fawning, and it is a survival tactic I learned to deal with dysfunctional situations I have experienced, and it’s hard to break the cycle.)

I told one of my best friends about the exchange later. She said, “I would have told him to f*** off.” However tempting that might have been, I am certain it is not a good idea to incite trail rage when you’re semi-alone in an isolated, woodsy area with no exit strategy. I have literally felt more comfortable coming across bears on the trail than men.

The thing that really bugged me about Fake Dave (as all antagonists in my stories will now be known) is how he just tossed off, "Stay in your lane" like it was nothing, and the tone indicated that he was inconvenienced because I was "taking up too much space," and that he was entitled to correct me.

Women are supposed to be nice, be quiet, and not cause trouble, right?

Gen X women (like me) were raised in a transitional time: told we could do anything, but still expected to conform to gender norms (ultimately resulting in doing everything, amiright?).

• Be competent—but don’t outshine. (Always defer.)
• Be assertive—but not too direct. (Don’t be aggressive.)
• Be strong—but still small. (Don’t overstep.)

These were implicit lessons I internalized growing up. I can think of times when I held back to make sure I didn’t overshadow boys or men; I’m just not sure at what age I started to dim my light, prioritize harmony, and avoid confrontation, but my best friend from junior high, who was one of my beta editors for this story reminded me, "I know exactly when yo uwere taught to keep small. Your mom did that completely every time she said not to bring attention to yourself, or don't make a spectacle of yourself. I'm so sorry she did that to you. My parents never said those things to me," and subsequently, "My dad and mumsy always told me to shine, as did my Nana."

I like harmony. I do. But I am beginning to realize it’s not worth losing my voice over anymore.

I couldn't respond to Fake Dave out loud that day; it has taken me a little while to work through it. I'll probably never be able to respond directly to Fake Dave, since I don't even know who he is and the moment is long gone, but writing about it is cathartic, and as people have said for centuries, “the pen is mightier than the sword.” For me, this is the way to find and use my voice.

*Finally, here are some reasons little wheels might need to swerve: mud, puddles, debris (sand, stones, acorns), roots/bumps, depressions or large cracks in the pavement, small rodents darting across the path, twigs, and turtles, to name a few.